The realist’s survival guide to Melbourne student life

Melbourne is hailed as one of the most “liveable” cities in the world, but can your average student survive there?

Pop quiz, hotshot. It’s 1am, you’ve had a full day of classes and you’ve just finished work at your shitty bar job that pays peanuts per hour. You’re hungry, your nose won’t stop running, and you just remembered you have an essay due at 8am; so what do you do?

Well I’ll tell you what to do; you accept that you’re in the midst of something commonly complained about, something known as the “student life”.

For those suffering under the crushing wheel of tertiary education, here’s a real life survival guide for all those sleep deprived Melburnians. May our P’s forever get degrees and our bank accounts remain forever low.

1) Eating

The removal of pretence is the first step. Once I ate baked beans for a week. It was horrific. Another time I ate canned tuna with rice for a month, on and off. I stopped having breakfast completely when I realised my internship was at a place that had free toast and coffee. I started eating a bit better when I found the food discount vouchers in my student planner from uni. Not only did I find myself trying different foods and going different places as per the vouchers, I did it for super cheap. Most fast food restaurants will give students a free medium-to-large upgrade on either chips or a drink if they show their student card. As well as this, my friends and I all jumped at any chance to have a shared meal or cook together. We worked out if we pitch in $10 each, we can cook a three-course meal, have leftovers for lunch the next day and even have extra for a bottle of Aldi’s finest.

2) Drinking

In my first year of uni I found myself in a very difficult position. I had been torn away from my creature comforts of home, more specifically, I had been towed away from my parents’ supply of alcohol, which I was able to syphon off into drink bottles every Saturday night at no expense to me (without counting the damage to my liver). Suddenly, I had been dropped into an environment without an alcohol cupboard, a level of income that could not support my drinking abilities and a university student’s burning desire to drink, which was stronger than Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 80s. Thus, I had to develop the skills and knowledge to be able to survive in my new environment. My number one tip – buy a flask and a jacket or a bag that you can take out with you. My number two tip would be to check out any of these spots: The Worker’s Club in Fitzroy has $2 pots on Mondays, The Provincial Hotel in Fitzroy has happy hour from 4-7pm every weekday, New Guernica has $2 pots of beer and $3 ciders on Thursday nights. Workshop Bar is in the city and very conveniently located within 3 minutes’ walk from my university. It has $2 coffee for students, good music, good espresso martinis and a cool outdoor, tree house style drinking area.

3) Night Life

So now that you have adequately fed and watered yourself it’s time to take your abilities to a new arena – night life. The night is no stranger to a lubricated university student, but in order to survive you must be thrifty.

Most clubs will let you in for free before 10pm and if you’re a girl you will probably be able to get in for free anywhere at anytime, which isn’t exactly fair but it’s the way it goes. Survival of the fittest; am I right ladies? Melbourne is amazing for free drinks and ladies’ nights. Turf Sports Bar has a great uni night on Mondays and PA’s on Wednesday nights is always packed to the brim with university students. Better yet, if you are having pre-drinks at someone’s house just suggest that they turn it into a house party.

Don’t fall into the trap of hosting your own house party; it will be a messy and expensive endeavour.

4) General Living

Otherwise known as “lifestyle”, a student will most definitely encounter numerous issues when they attempt to lead a healthy and balanced lifestyle, which usually results in most uni students not living a healthy and balanced lifestyle.

In order to survive in the hectic world that is the 21^st century, one should aim to live as well as one can, despite the obstacles they may encounter (e.g. lack of money, motivation, sleep). Now, enough theoretical talk, if you want to afford a good quality of life you must obtain a student card. A student card in Melbourne is like a gold pass. You just flash it over the counter and things are half price. Most shops will take a percentage off the total cost if you’re a student. Major electronic retailers will give you “the best price they can” if they know you’re a student and you can travel on a concession fare on Melbourne’s public transport system if you are a student. Places like Strike Escape Rooms will also accommodate for larger numbers of people in one group to ensure that the total price is cheaper for each person if they know you’re a student.

5) Health

Keeping healthy is key to staying in uni and staying in uni is key to living this student life we all complain about, but secretly love because it means we can get away with all sorts of unruly behaviour. So my number one tip to maintaining your health is to get ambulance cover. Yeah.

I moved to Melbourne with a friend, and I had moved into our share house before her. I was alone in our new home and I woke up in the middle of the night because I had a pain in my chest. To cut to the chase, I thought I was having a heart attack and I called an ambulance. Ambulance Victoria invoiced me a week later (I didn’t have a heart attack don’t worry) and it was going to cost me $2,500 for a 15km journey. It could have, but didn’t.

Beyond that, Melbourne’s recreation centres bow to you if you are a student. I swim at the Fitzroy Pool most days for just $2.80, and if you buy a 10 swim pass it works out to be $2.30 (or around that) for each swim. I don’t use the gym, but it’s cheaper for students to use the gyms at all of the City of Yarra leisure centers too. As well as this, it’s really important that you remember to go to the doctor if you’re feeling sick. MedicalOne is a bulk billing doctor’s office franchise located around Melbourne that offers free services to students, even if it’s just a prescription renewal. Yew.

When all is said and done, I pretty much just weigh up things with the amount of pre drinks, prior to finding myself in the club. For example, if I have one more pre-drink on the tram on my way to the club instead of buying a drink there, I can reasonably afford to go to the pool twice more the following week, or buy a burger for lunch while I’m drunk on Thursday etc. etc.

It’s just simple mathematics really.

So next time you hear someone whine about the cost of Myki concession prices, please slap them in the face with their student diary full of free food coupons.

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